i have never, ever hated my own birthday this much, until i am twenty one this year.

lucky there is margareth for me to talk to. i dont understand how we can be so similar and not talked about this to each other before until this afternoon. i hope things wouldn't suck as much.

looks like a tough start for a twenty something year old me.

i would sometimes ponder, if i would spend my life with you in the future. but everytime i see your face, i kind of get the answer to my question. honestly, many things in life are tough. but if u were to ask me what is the easiest thing to me, the easiest thing would be loving you. seldom we have things come so naturally. no pretence, no deliberates, and no need to preempt to guard yourself against one another. it is just you and me, plus a whole lot of other chemistry.

because,

i found this endearing because kai tells me this all the time.

biopsych screwed me today ): because i didnt know that the test was worth 30% weightage (OMG STILL CANNOT GET OVER THE SHOCK), i studied like it was only 10%. very very regretful. i promised myself, no more blur days ahead. rachel is going to change. no more going to the wrong venues, no more not knowing the assignment's percentage before doing it, and no more setting ambitious deadlines that will only serve to undermine my determination. work very, very hard.

new year is almost ending (feels like).

i should be planning my birthday SOON.

i really miss you, even if sometimes u feel that i don't, i do.

people dont get the stress that we are under sometimes. it is like, we are being overestimated for our ability. really, my stress-coping mechanisms are about to hit threshold level. and i hope you understand even as i'm smiling and telling you that everything is ok and under control. because things are not. i can feel my insides cracking and falling apart. but i dont expect you to fix me. i will fix myself.

dionne, another picture of us for u (: havent got time to upload, have no idea how to shrink picture sizes and fb is failing me ):

happy new year! (:

wished i could put up more pictures, because i had so many pretty people whom i visited and visited me (: but, it suddenly dawned on me i have a million things to do. need to TRY and stop playing.

study.

i spent my first day of chinese new year and valentines day over night in a hospital yesterday with kai and my mom. so very romantic haha. so glad kai was with me (: he is my gps and my pillow. i love him even if he got nothing to offer me on valentines day. no flowers, no chocolates, no cards, its okaye (: it seems like, my younger brother took after me and was also allergic to abalone. very very sad. but new year was bountiful this year (: and i am so thankful for many things this new year. one of them in particular is shifting to my new place and getting to know my new and awesome neighbour.

which neighbour brings you out for dinner (dim sum and ramen) when you and younger brother is stranded at home thinking about what to have for dinner? (:
which neighbour brings you to great supper spots and eat nice mee goreng, mee rebus (yum!) and mee soto?
which neighbour goes swimming with you?
which neighbour would plan to go on a holiday with you?

i think, i am (in a nutshell) just very very fortunate(:

and they are having dinner over at my place together with me in a minute. gtg! (: happy new year everybody!

somehow, i managed to revive my somewhat dead computer (: very very proud of myself.

although sometimes i might say i don't care, i wished you never took it literally. i am actually hoping for something this valentines day. i mean, no harm receiving something sweet from the one you love on this day commissioned by Mr Cupid himself. it's almost like making a fuss out of your 21st birthday YEARLY. but then, surely some flowers are an awesome gift to perk you up? (i highly doubt i will receive any from kai cos he knows i think that flowers are a waste of money haha) plus, its been 5 years going on 6. not that valentines day is not special anymore, but it kinda loses its essence in my opinion. simply because i really believe that, every moment i spend with kai, is valentine-ish. cliche but it really is true (: for some reason, we always have moments in a day when we tell each other how much we think we are important to one another. i'm just afraid that, one day, it becomes comfort instead of love. very very very afraid of losing the passion. Because the time we have been together is mighty long, other couples on the "we have been together for ages" list gets shorter and shorter (or longer depending on how u see it), and ultimately we get left alone, moving along the track to so-called undying love for each other. there's is no "model" couple for us to imitate or to see how to get relationships working. but that's where love is most amazing. it keeps 2 strangers together for a long time, even when the going gets tough.

i cannot swear undying love, but what i can swear is to make things work and cherish whatever i have for now.

beautiful.

The scariest things in life.

one of the scariest things in life is to be forgotten.

thinking about being forgotten makes u feel lonely, and sad, instantly. the time spent working things out and ensuring something was build upon for, gone in moments. we are people-people creatures ultimately. we can choose to live lives of hermit, but would we want to? i won't wanna die one day with no one remembering my previous existence.

its awful thinking about it. so i shall stop thinking about it for a moment.
-

today was not mighty productive ): could have used my time in better ways other than getting to hooked to cooking mama 2 (dinner with friends!). now i know why boys spend their weekends on psps and lan shops. the nintendo ds is evil. i must return to my neighbour one day, butttttt i just cannot make it leave me! my parents were asking me about my 21st birthday (argh) and i seriously have no mood for planning it ): but i shall stop fb invites soon to just a few friends. thinking about planning, execution, and the event's aftermath makes me stressed. i can only handle THIS much at one time.

new year's coming. a little excited about spring cleaning (: crazy i know, but i hate dust. and germs scare me.

today i finally realised. behind that make up and contacts, i will always be an average geek who wears framed specs, ties up her hair in a ponytail at home, and wears her comfy white shirt and fbts to sleep.

and i also realised. i will always be a girl who loves staying at home, even if given the choice to go out and have fun. i only realised that i actually love serenity when i decided to take the walkway along lt 7 8 and 9 and bumped into joel, rather than the stretch that leads straight to 7-11 because it was too crowded. i like noise. but i love silence.

and also, i realised. you're your best cheerleader. way to go, rachel.

my determination has dropped by a zillion notches this week when i created my weekly to-do list earlier. last week's stuff kinda snowballed into a huge avalanche and everything is about to come crashing down. i was looking forward to new year (am still), but i am so sad that i will be spending new year with my books and stationeries. not very festive at all ):

have been very very very exhausted of late. sleeping in classes, taking naps at 945pm, drinking coke to stay awake, and red tea in the morning is not helping. so, i shall go to sleep soon and report for stupid personnel psych class tmr morning. fuckkkkkkkk i hate school.

I get to get today off simply because I have too many readings to complete. sometimes life gives u shit but gives u something great in return. And I am glad that I have parents that dote on me most of the time and let me get my way, if reasonable. Thankyou for not bringing me up in any other way, cos I am glad with the way I turned in comparison to some other shit heads with no manners and respect for others.

dear god,
please dont let me fall sick. if not, i cannot function for my test on friday, and i will not be able to function on friday saturday and sunday at work.

i think i am recovering (: i just need lots of sleep, less homework, less gabriel and more zhi kai. bought for gabriel a remote control toy car at toys r us yesterday! (: he was very happy haha. one reason i bought it was because, it reminded me of the red remote toy truck that my older brother had when we were very young. it looks exactly the same, with monster-truck like wheels and a red top, with great suspension and controlling allignment. i want to return back to my childhood days. stay when i was eleven years old. when i was a tyrant in school, and everyone feared me in school. when i ran the fastest in class during pe. when i got to sit at the back of the class and talk. when i got to step on other people's bag without them stepping on mine cos i was a stupid prefect with a stupid notebook. when i got to stay back after school to play basketball with boys and hopscotch with girls. when i only needed 2 minutes to get back home. when there was always gossip on the phone lines.

and most importantly, when i had lots of time to do whatever i wanted. and it was when i felt like the entire world was in my hands.