we will always remember you as the silent fighter, rest in peace.

not funny

- to have a flu when your exams are in two weeks
- to have 2 korean tests, one proposal, an assignment, one HRM test in 5 days time
- get a raging headache when u need to rush through your reports ('m obviously not done)

ok everyone! thankyou for reminding how near i am to USA trip! I am happy and sad at the same time (for xyz reason). but this is my motivation to like, get everything over and done with. arghhh

watched clash of the titans in 3d. SEE KAIKAI, i told you everyone say not nice in 3D. you must always rmb to listen to rachel goh, you'll never go wrong with me around. unlesssss, its directions then i think u should ignore me hahaha.

was looking at 987fm.sg's music charts and i realised, i know NO songs on the charts.

but hey i'm not complaining, since i am in love with korean songs. i listened to korean songs for the longest time, since my mom liked them ever since like 7 years ago. However, i need to find some points to reconnect singapore society with SO i will try to listen to some 987 songs. they are so trashy and stupid, all about sex, party, and having fun (not that kpop isn't anything like them). but because u dont really understand what they are singing in their foreign language, everything seems more peaceful and distant - they can't get to you and get to you at the same time. it's a very happy feeling listening to korean songs.

BACK TO CRITIQUE. focus (:

I wished you knew me like how I know you.
Then we wouldn't need words to communicate.
We could sit in silence the whole day,
Knowing that familiar sense of comfort,
And yet not know what is going on my insides.

I hope we won't turn out like what I fear.

I can't help it that 'm usually mumm about my thoughts and emotions. Sure its easier to let someone in.

But why do I feel that there are somethings you musn't be let on into?

you can sleep when you're dead, baby.

i wanted to start on my 10 page critique, but obviously not quite brave enough :/ ended up strolling around the pool and condo blocks with kai, and exercising at the random exercise corner that i have never been to (after being here for more than half a year) at past midnight. i love walks with kai (:

TODAY WAS NOT MY DAY. dont know if its my fugly lips or what, but everything felt like shit to me today. down and out, super burnt out. i cannot wait for exams to be over (repeats it about 200 times) then i can leave here (not for good). buttt i got to see jess and jo together in school (: felt kind of surreal, like back to secondary school days. i had this instinct to get my food and plop right beside them even though they are done eating, i know they'll wait for me to finish mine before embarking on their study session haha(:

gumert got angry in class today (one of the most interesting thing for a monday seriously). we got talked down like primary school children but ohwell, as long as it's gumert, we'll put up with his temper!!!! joyce's class was a bore as usual, and the stupid pop quiz was more of a trick questions then real tests of intelligence. so i dont know if i should be happy scoring a 1 out of 4 for trick questions hmmm.

I NEED TO GET DOWN TO SERIOUS WORK SERIOUSLY.
STOP FLOATING AROUND.
STOP BEING IN YOUR OWN DREAMWORLD, RACHEL.
PLEASE WAKE UP,
EVERYONE IS BURIED AND DROWNED BY THEIR BOOKS. EXCEPT YOU.

dionne! i saw this on tumblr and thought of you! (:

i have been working my poor little brain out so hard today. i am infact, almost done with my korean essay(YES!). it just needs abit more skimming through and error detection. i am so so so tired out. my poor brains, owww. woke up mighty early today to eat mian xian dan at my granny's place (: i swear i will start taking time out to see her often, maybe once a week in the morning just to have breakfast with her. she seems alot happier when she has me for company (: it sucks to be forgotten, and since karma's a bitch only if you are, i better start accumulating some good deeds for myself.

it's sad that i can't speak as well as i write for korean ):

i was doing up my favourite thing (a to-do list) and i am appalled to see the amount of shit school is giving me.

- KOREAN ESSAY
- QUIZ ON FRIDAY
- COVINGTON ARTICLE PLUS THE OTHER
- HRM CHAP 5
- COGNITIVE DEVELOPMENT PRESENTATION
- COGNITIVE DEVELOPMENT PROPOSAL
- BIOPSYCH CHAP 11 12 13 READINGS
- AND SOMEMORE STUFF THAT I CANNOT EVEN RMB (see the detrimental effects of school)

this week is going to be hell, so is next week. i can TOTALLY imagine everything snowballing. it is such a scary thought.

10 interesting things that happened this week:
(lets see if i can even remember that many)

1. i saw a motorcyclist banged a cyclist off his bike.
2. i didn't get off at the last bus stop on a bus to holland v.
3. there are mangoes at home.
4. kimi just licked my hand minutes ago.
5. life isn't as interesting as i thought it to be.
6.-
7.-
8.-
9.-
10.-

):

i really don't think i did anything wrong.

haven't been sounding too happy of late, i dont know why. this is probably an outlet for me to rant, not really functional to talk about happy stuff. well, went to holland v today with dionne and friends with my boyfriend. very happy just crapping (: and even though korean dinner with jess and jo on saturday wasn't fantastic ( !!!)))): ), i think it was really good to have chilled and talked about anything that came to our mind. plus, i tried udders for the first time and i got to say - love their rum and raisin (: the rum is strong! their fruit flavours are not as impressive. do try their bitter chocolate something something(alcoholic) (: good stuff!

i am trying very hard to keep up with school work, and so many more.

i didn't know you read my blog (: i love you!

please.

rachel, please don't give up when it's easy. don't.

reminder

i need to remember this phrase.

i guess this qoute soothes out the uncomfortable emotions that i have and explains for his reactions yesterday. i shouldnt have reacted in that manner? if i let him hold me, maybe we wouldn't have stomped away from each other? if i didnt expect anything from him, i wouldn't be disappointed. biggest problem with me: i like creating expectations out of my partner in a relationship. and when things do not work out the way i do, i know i kick up a big fuss. but give me a day or two to think about what i have done, i always realise that things should not have been like this. it doesnt mean that if he doesnt love me the way i want him to, he isn't giving his all.

now i know why he was so peeved. because i gave undermined the value of love he has for me. sorry.

“It’s tough when someone special starts to ignore you, but it’s even tougher to pretend that you don’t mind.”

i cannot fight this feeling of. why did we even talk about it. but then things could have turned out better if u responded according to what i would like to hear. then again, what makes me think that you would actually know what i was dying to hear? it sounded like you probably could not care less about our future. oh wait. maybe in your standards, THE future. there is no "ours" to talk about.

maybe.

talking to sab makes me think that things could have turned out better if only i was brave enough.
brave enough to retaliate
brave enough to say sorry first
brave enough to leave you
then maybe, maybe, there would be something or someone better out there, like what they always say. it is always so tough to take the first step. its something about the novelty that scares me. i won't know when i'll take the first step. or will i take it at all?

is it always true that the grass is greener on the other side?
because right now i just wished i was on the same side as you.

smells like sunshine.

so farnnehhh

this is seriously hilarious. hahaha. edward is cute.

i was laughing at dionne's post cos she said she was amazed at our group's ability to present on an article that we have no idea what it was rambling about on and on in the article. seriously it was an anyhow-whack and do-or-die for me. do-or-die in a good sense because it was only worth 4 marks, so i gave myself no stress and i think i did not stammer as much today, it was like "do lor. if not heck la, just die. anyhow."

anyway, cognitive development is such a waste of time. it bores me to tears and the midterm quiz looks daunting. but i am getting started on it, i will grit my teeth and get through it, hopefully completing up to at least question 3 tonight.

reminder to self: always be brave.

this is so cute.

(:

maybe i just don't want to be a fairy anymore. i don't want to be your little girl, but at the same time, i cannot stop being. and i know i am trapped. for a long time. i may never get out of this. it is like this game of push and pull that we have been playing for a long time. i try to push - and everytime i do it, i do it gently because i know you will eventually still reel me in.

it is so difficult to want everything, and sometimes, nothing at all.

be brave.

i come back from china, and stare at the pile of work that is waiting for me to touch them. i am amazed at my abilities to remain calm and unfeeling at the shitload of work. stressed is such an understatement.

once again, i cannot wait for the semester to be over. 4 months of holiday (: china was good, looks like the clothes there are pretty awesome. i hope to go there again like say, in june, and help my mom get nice clothes and even source for better whole sale centres. must conquer the whole sale centres one by one, and get pretty buys. and i wanna go to a beach get-away. sun, sea, sand. my love. must maximise my entire break after this semester or i will be letting myself down.

meanwhile i need to:

-finish joyce's week 4 to 7 readings (omg)
-print out my presentation slides
-do my korean revision paper (which is fucking difficult i swear)
-get my balls together.

i have never, ever hated my own birthday this much, until i am twenty one this year.

lucky there is margareth for me to talk to. i dont understand how we can be so similar and not talked about this to each other before until this afternoon. i hope things wouldn't suck as much.

looks like a tough start for a twenty something year old me.

i would sometimes ponder, if i would spend my life with you in the future. but everytime i see your face, i kind of get the answer to my question. honestly, many things in life are tough. but if u were to ask me what is the easiest thing to me, the easiest thing would be loving you. seldom we have things come so naturally. no pretence, no deliberates, and no need to preempt to guard yourself against one another. it is just you and me, plus a whole lot of other chemistry.

because,

i found this endearing because kai tells me this all the time.

biopsych screwed me today ): because i didnt know that the test was worth 30% weightage (OMG STILL CANNOT GET OVER THE SHOCK), i studied like it was only 10%. very very regretful. i promised myself, no more blur days ahead. rachel is going to change. no more going to the wrong venues, no more not knowing the assignment's percentage before doing it, and no more setting ambitious deadlines that will only serve to undermine my determination. work very, very hard.

new year is almost ending (feels like).

i should be planning my birthday SOON.

i really miss you, even if sometimes u feel that i don't, i do.

people dont get the stress that we are under sometimes. it is like, we are being overestimated for our ability. really, my stress-coping mechanisms are about to hit threshold level. and i hope you understand even as i'm smiling and telling you that everything is ok and under control. because things are not. i can feel my insides cracking and falling apart. but i dont expect you to fix me. i will fix myself.

dionne, another picture of us for u (: havent got time to upload, have no idea how to shrink picture sizes and fb is failing me ):

happy new year! (:

wished i could put up more pictures, because i had so many pretty people whom i visited and visited me (: but, it suddenly dawned on me i have a million things to do. need to TRY and stop playing.

study.

i spent my first day of chinese new year and valentines day over night in a hospital yesterday with kai and my mom. so very romantic haha. so glad kai was with me (: he is my gps and my pillow. i love him even if he got nothing to offer me on valentines day. no flowers, no chocolates, no cards, its okaye (: it seems like, my younger brother took after me and was also allergic to abalone. very very sad. but new year was bountiful this year (: and i am so thankful for many things this new year. one of them in particular is shifting to my new place and getting to know my new and awesome neighbour.

which neighbour brings you out for dinner (dim sum and ramen) when you and younger brother is stranded at home thinking about what to have for dinner? (:
which neighbour brings you to great supper spots and eat nice mee goreng, mee rebus (yum!) and mee soto?
which neighbour goes swimming with you?
which neighbour would plan to go on a holiday with you?

i think, i am (in a nutshell) just very very fortunate(:

and they are having dinner over at my place together with me in a minute. gtg! (: happy new year everybody!

somehow, i managed to revive my somewhat dead computer (: very very proud of myself.

although sometimes i might say i don't care, i wished you never took it literally. i am actually hoping for something this valentines day. i mean, no harm receiving something sweet from the one you love on this day commissioned by Mr Cupid himself. it's almost like making a fuss out of your 21st birthday YEARLY. but then, surely some flowers are an awesome gift to perk you up? (i highly doubt i will receive any from kai cos he knows i think that flowers are a waste of money haha) plus, its been 5 years going on 6. not that valentines day is not special anymore, but it kinda loses its essence in my opinion. simply because i really believe that, every moment i spend with kai, is valentine-ish. cliche but it really is true (: for some reason, we always have moments in a day when we tell each other how much we think we are important to one another. i'm just afraid that, one day, it becomes comfort instead of love. very very very afraid of losing the passion. Because the time we have been together is mighty long, other couples on the "we have been together for ages" list gets shorter and shorter (or longer depending on how u see it), and ultimately we get left alone, moving along the track to so-called undying love for each other. there's is no "model" couple for us to imitate or to see how to get relationships working. but that's where love is most amazing. it keeps 2 strangers together for a long time, even when the going gets tough.

i cannot swear undying love, but what i can swear is to make things work and cherish whatever i have for now.

beautiful.

The scariest things in life.

one of the scariest things in life is to be forgotten.

thinking about being forgotten makes u feel lonely, and sad, instantly. the time spent working things out and ensuring something was build upon for, gone in moments. we are people-people creatures ultimately. we can choose to live lives of hermit, but would we want to? i won't wanna die one day with no one remembering my previous existence.

its awful thinking about it. so i shall stop thinking about it for a moment.
-

today was not mighty productive ): could have used my time in better ways other than getting to hooked to cooking mama 2 (dinner with friends!). now i know why boys spend their weekends on psps and lan shops. the nintendo ds is evil. i must return to my neighbour one day, butttttt i just cannot make it leave me! my parents were asking me about my 21st birthday (argh) and i seriously have no mood for planning it ): but i shall stop fb invites soon to just a few friends. thinking about planning, execution, and the event's aftermath makes me stressed. i can only handle THIS much at one time.

new year's coming. a little excited about spring cleaning (: crazy i know, but i hate dust. and germs scare me.

today i finally realised. behind that make up and contacts, i will always be an average geek who wears framed specs, ties up her hair in a ponytail at home, and wears her comfy white shirt and fbts to sleep.

and i also realised. i will always be a girl who loves staying at home, even if given the choice to go out and have fun. i only realised that i actually love serenity when i decided to take the walkway along lt 7 8 and 9 and bumped into joel, rather than the stretch that leads straight to 7-11 because it was too crowded. i like noise. but i love silence.

and also, i realised. you're your best cheerleader. way to go, rachel.

my determination has dropped by a zillion notches this week when i created my weekly to-do list earlier. last week's stuff kinda snowballed into a huge avalanche and everything is about to come crashing down. i was looking forward to new year (am still), but i am so sad that i will be spending new year with my books and stationeries. not very festive at all ):

have been very very very exhausted of late. sleeping in classes, taking naps at 945pm, drinking coke to stay awake, and red tea in the morning is not helping. so, i shall go to sleep soon and report for stupid personnel psych class tmr morning. fuckkkkkkkk i hate school.

I get to get today off simply because I have too many readings to complete. sometimes life gives u shit but gives u something great in return. And I am glad that I have parents that dote on me most of the time and let me get my way, if reasonable. Thankyou for not bringing me up in any other way, cos I am glad with the way I turned in comparison to some other shit heads with no manners and respect for others.

dear god,
please dont let me fall sick. if not, i cannot function for my test on friday, and i will not be able to function on friday saturday and sunday at work.

i think i am recovering (: i just need lots of sleep, less homework, less gabriel and more zhi kai. bought for gabriel a remote control toy car at toys r us yesterday! (: he was very happy haha. one reason i bought it was because, it reminded me of the red remote toy truck that my older brother had when we were very young. it looks exactly the same, with monster-truck like wheels and a red top, with great suspension and controlling allignment. i want to return back to my childhood days. stay when i was eleven years old. when i was a tyrant in school, and everyone feared me in school. when i ran the fastest in class during pe. when i got to sit at the back of the class and talk. when i got to step on other people's bag without them stepping on mine cos i was a stupid prefect with a stupid notebook. when i got to stay back after school to play basketball with boys and hopscotch with girls. when i only needed 2 minutes to get back home. when there was always gossip on the phone lines.

and most importantly, when i had lots of time to do whatever i wanted. and it was when i felt like the entire world was in my hands.

i have been calculating my expenses for my USA trip and i realise i would probably have to throw in practically my entire life savings. this spells OH NO. so, money saving plan is going to kick in AFTER sunday's shopping trip. i dont wish to end up without a penny because of a trip. but i can totally imagine coming back with luggage lods of stuff omg. i must travel minimally there. but at the same time, i am so excited about the prospects of being able to dress up there because the weather is cold and chilly there! (: this means layering, jackets, leggings, colourful stockings, and maybe boots! :D and i will finally be able to see my korkor (: and hopefully spend some time with kai on the trip (that's if his leave gets approved).

some people needs to wake up. i dont think i have life tough, but 'm trying my best to make it possible that if i ever get stranded alone, i am ready for the cruel world that awaits me.

and you need to be ready too.

presentations are a horror. so are mondays.

10 reasons to hate monday:

because...
1. 6hours of lecture and 1hour tutorial straight, followed by an hr break then 1.5hr korean class.
2. the day ends at 7pm.
3. i do not get to catch my korean drama on time.
4. my meal times are all screwed up ):
5. i have to endure macdonald's $2.50 meal as breakfast AGAIN.
6. be reminded that every monday is going to be like that.
7. it means that my bag is going to tear under the weight of my stuff.
8. drag myself out of bed so early in the morning.
9. be frightened by the amount of readins for this week AGAIN.
10. it is monday.

but then, there is always the sweet after the bitter. after today, the rest of the week can cut me some slack. uh no, i forgot about the readings. every week is a mad rush but somehow i found time to finally do my hair after procrastinating for so long! (: i just wanted to trim it last night but the stylist managed to persuade me into getting my hair done, cos it's new year and my hair looks disastrous (which i totally agree on). so he picked a colour for me and got the job done in an hhr odd (: very happy with the end result after all the blowing and drying, but i guess after washing my hair, everything will be back to frizz again ): need to start taking care of my appearances cos once you hit 20years old, you're no longer in prime time.

everything moves from 20, 21....... then before you know it, you are a wrinkled 40year old prune.

so i better start taking care and using all of my mama's products! (:

back to korean class later, toodles!

number 3, 4 and 5 has been completed. a few more to go (:

yes dionne, i believe i can do it (if only i have more time). back to the books soon after this.

i have no idea why i have so much passion for korean language. maybe as i have suspected all along, i am half korean in my previous life haha. super envious of my brother overseas. he went up to the mountains for skiing over the weekends. In singapore, the most exciting life can give you would be a shopping trip in town. yawns. boring. i hope sentosa and the IR opens up super quickly, so i won't always have to turn to foreignlands for weekend getaways and cheap thrills. i want to leave singapore so so so badly.

This year's new year gets to me (: i feel very happy thinking about it! maybe its just because it means holiday. maybe its because it is the first time i am celebrating new year in a new home, maybe its the love letter, pineapple tarts and bah gwa. but no matter what, i am very happy and i cannot wait for it to come. But for it to come, i have to survive weekloads of shit in school.

p.s. i love wrapping my textbooks! so weird, i know.

while you're at it.

this week, is going to be one hell of a week.
i realise this space here is my main outlet for ranting (: which is good. because i kinda read and understand what i myself am going through. even if i tell all of this to kai, he probably still wouldn't understand the full essence of my stress (even when he claims he does).

to do:
1. read human resource chap 1
2. read green little biopsych book
3. cognitive dev week 2 readings
4. email keren critique
5. complete presentation for biopsych
6. complete human motivation readings
7. work on weekends

): ): ): ): ):
this semester is going to be a killer, i know. but somehow, i'll still manage to survive through shitty school life and working.

sometimes i do think i have it all, but then again, maybe not.

finally done with my critique. now i can sleep with a piece of mind.

stupid gastric nearly screwed me over this morning. no more coffee on empty stomach. and i can't believe i went to school for a ridiculous 30minutes lecture, and horsed round school, had brunch with the boyfriend, then went down to bugis and work. the lecture was such a waste of time seriously. my day wasn't great today. except for the fact that i had my boyfriend's company for an hour and a half. bugis' new year crowd hasn't kicked in yet, the customar quality was at an all-time low. wasted my time and effort.

i am so jaded. need to hit the haystack like... now.

i must thank god for the friends that i have in school. thank you dionne heng, otherwise i will be super muddleheaded and probably print an extra copy of lecture notes for personnel psychology tmr. do not be glad for the number of friends you have, just count the ones close to you.

apparently i only need one or two friends to help me survive school (:

korkor called me from atlanta to talk about his day. there are cute little squirrels there that you get to see every single day running around in campus. plus he bought a bicycle to ride around campus, like those PRCs in NTU, same same. a little afraid that he might skid and fall on a wet weather, but i believe he is much tougher than this. he even cooks meal for his fellow hostel mates and got to know a koren girl who is living opposite his dorm! how cool is that! hahaha the korean girl thought my brother was a korean and spoke to him. see the positive influence from me, i knew i was half korean worthy most of the time. My kor's printer waged a war on me this morning and left me exhausted. i couldnt get to printing the things i wanted, and wasted a whole bunch of paper. this semester, is definitely going to be a disaster.

cannot wait to leave singapore in may, and enjoy life for a week or two in the states.

siren.

it is only the start of the semester and i feel like i am going to suffocate and die.

i think no one will read my blog. which gives me some "privacy" in this public space. I'm taking 4 psychology modules this sem and i have a feeling i might not be able to cope. but then this is when my determination is really put to the test. so is my wit, my patience is running thin since i do not see results reaping. it certainly is not true that you reap what you sow.

sometimes you sow, the weather turns bad on you, shit happens, and you reap nothing. this is probably what is happening to me.